Coldfoot on Firearms, Romance, and Being a Sneaky SOB

From the mailbag:

Coldfoot,

You have made comments in the past that indicate your hobby was firearms before you discovered German games. I am a board gamer who has recently developed an interest in firearms, what advice can you give me?

Joe in Miami

Joe you are correct. Before I spent all my discretionary income on games I spent all my discretionary income on firearms and firearms publications.

I'll lead with the most important piece of advice I could possibly give a boardgamer experimenting with guns:

1. Check all firearms at the door when playing Diplomacy.

Every other bit of advice I give is but a minor point in comparison to #1, but here are a couple others.

2. If you like to contemplate your next move, be sure you are more heavily armed than DW.

3. When attending a gaming event in Canada you can only bring long rifles, or knives.

4. Aim for the board. Bullet holes in cardboard can usually be easily repaired with scotch tape.

Coldfoot,

I saw a picture of you on your blog. You are obviously a stud. What advice can you give me about chicks?

Loser in PA

Loser,

Chicks dig Settlers and Meeples.

If you are playing a game with two or more chicks expect them to gang up on you and think that it is cute. Just smile. Take it like a man and rest assured in the knowledge that they need to gang up on you to overcome your innate male advantage.

If you and another guy are playing against a chick do not ever give the impression you are ganging up on her. That is definitely not considered cute and will come back to haunt you, even if there is only the appearance of cooperation.

But most importantly (and I speak from experience), when a woman is taking too long to decide if she wants the large sugar mill or the small sugar mill, do not start singing, "Tell us what you want, what you really, really want. Just tell us what you want, what you really, really want."

Coldfoot,

How do I sneak a game into the house past a suspicious wife?

JP in Billings

JP you definitely asked the right guy that question.

As the last reader noted, I am a stud. If I chose I could bring a game into the house, wave it under my wife's nose and say, "See that, woman. That's $39.99 that you can't spend on smelly-soap and brussel-sprout-salad. Deduct it from the checkbook and get over it."

However, I choose not to do that until she teaches me her winning Rheinlander strategy.

I can't reveal my best secrets publicly without compromising my own safety. If these tips don't work contact me privately.

1. Women are easily distracted by flowers and Desperate Housewives. Flowers are nearly as expensive as games with much less payoff in the long run, so you need a flower strategy. Yes, flowers are expensive, but lilacs are free, and women fawn over the smell of lilacs. You won't even need to find a vase. Just hand her the lilacs, she will dote on your thoughtfulness and happily find a vase. If you are quick you can smuggle a game into the house as she is looking for a vase.

However, the lilac strategy is only good for one sneak each year if you wish to avoid suspicion. If you have cable television Desperate Housewives should be on one channel or another for 20+ hours each day. Desperate Housewives is always a good distraction, but again, use it sparingly to avoid suspicion.

2. Twilight Imperium 3 comes in a very big box. Buy it. Suffer her wrath like a man, then use that box to smuggle in other games. Better yet, play a game of TI3 with her and some male friends. Gang up on her so that she comes to despise the game. She will never look inside the box. That is an iron clad gare-on-tee.

Until next time keep those questions coming.