Board Game Violence Special Report

Good evening and welcome to our special report on board games and violence.

Tonight we review the dramatic events of this past week in the violent world of board gamers; people not like you or me, or even little Johnny or Suzy. We begin our report with a clip from Sunday's news story about the follow up to the school shootings in Localtown, MY.

-Clip 1-

"In Localtown, MY, authorities are continuing their investigation into possible links between last week's brutal school shooting and the board game 'Settlers of Catan'. Local chief commissioner Samuel Jackson had this to say:"

SJ: Both of the perpetrators of the shooting were known to play the game, ... uh ... Settlers of Cuhtahn. We are investigating as to how this was a contributing factor to the carnage and violence of last week.

"Opponents of board games say that games like Settlers of Catan promote violence and Satanism, which makes the players and the publishers directly responsible for all acts of violence, everywhere. Here's Anne Fangthorne, chairman of Direness Underscored: Make Boardgames Always Silly and Sweet:"

AF: It says 'Catan' on the cover, but I heard from my colleagues that it really reads 'Satan' inside the box. Players who play this game are known to violently steal cards from each other, destroy their opponent's chances of winning, and ultimately subjugate the losing players in some sort of pagan ritual by declaring themselves to be 'Lord of Satan'. I think that says it all.

"When asked, Anne admitted that she hasn't seen the game personally."

AF: I wouldn't let such filth in my house.

"This is Bunny Boo Boo in Localtown, MY."

-End Clip 1-

Later in the week on Wednesday, the senate held emergency committee hearings on the subject of violence in board games. These meetings were held in Washington amid violent protests. Here was the scene outside the hearings:

-Clip 2-

Protester: Keep those ******* board games out of our ******* neighborhoods, you ******** ******! You ******* ****** make ****** ***** and our ******** children become ******** violent as a ****** result. **** you!

-End Clip 2-

This particular protester was later taken into custody for throwing a chair at a news anchor and trying to gouge out her eyes with a peace sign.

We go now to a clip of Rep Dean Dwindle, and his remarks in the committee:

-Clip 3-

DD: In 1935, a woman killed her husband after a fight about a bridge game. Last week there was a school shooting by someone who played a board game. When will we wake up? Soon even our computer games may inspire violence.

[Gasps of horror from other committee members]

-End Clip 3-

Rep Dwindle concluded his remarks by saying that board game players should be shot and killed in order to ensure that violence does not permeate further into our society. This proposal was unanimously and immediately voted into law. And I, for one, thank them; we certainly don't need any violence in our society.

On Thursday, local militia, national guard, ROTC, secret service, coast guard, army, navy, marines, air force, border patrol, FBI agents, CIA agents, and SWAT teams were out scouring the countryside, shooting to kill board game players. In some areas, the board gamer population has already been virtually eliminated.

A video tape eyewitness to a board gamer kill has been made available to us. Please be advised that the quality of this tape is rather crude and grainy.

-Clip 4-

BGP: ... I'm ... I can't run any more ... I haven't had any exercise in twenty years ... bzzzt ... all the others ... they're all dead ... bzzzt ... My meeples! My meeples! ... bzzzt ... It was only a game! For the love of god, we were only playing a game! [breaks down crying]

[Off screen] A game? That's what you call it? [board gamer looks around and gasps in fear] A game? And I suppose it was just a game when my little boy came home running to me crying that someone 'stole his longest road', eh? I don't know what that means, but I'm going to put an end to it, now!

BGP: No wait! I was just following the rules! Please! Wood for sheep? Two wood for two sheep?!

*CRACK* [There is a flash]

-End Clip 4-

Today's board game players may soon to be a thing of the past. The World Wildlife Fund could not be reached for direct comment, but a notice on their website expressed their neutrality regarding the government's killing program. "Just so long as it's not panda bears, or boll weevils, or something important," the note reads.

That's it for this week. Next week we will bring you a news study that correlates drug use with the consumption of Dihydrogen Monoxide. Authorities are now considering banning this dangerous substance, which has been known to cause the deaths of thousands of children around the world each year. [1]

Thank you, and good night.

Yehuda

[1] This is true! And it's in your drinking water!