Session Report

JRR Tolkein:

The game was set in the deep basement of our little friend, Bandyburr. It was not a barren and sandy basement, nor a wet basement filled with all sorts of mildew and rubbish. It was a Bandyburr basement, and that meant comfort.

The basement was once the great basement of the old Miller family, or, as it was called at that time, "Miller's basement". The Miller's called it "The Cellar", or as we say in modern English "down the stairs". But the Miller family moved away when their pipe-weed ran out, and now the basement, and the house above it, was owned by the Bandyburr clan.

One late evening I sat on the steps with young Bandyburr in his eleventeenth year as he ruminated about his house and his basement. I blew my pipe, sending spheres of multicolored bubbles into the later evening air.

"Why, Gandalf? Why has it come to me? How come I have to live in this house with this basement? I wish it was someone else!"

I answered with a warm smile. "So do all who live in such a house, young Bandyburr. But ours is not to choose what house we live in, but to make the best of the house that has been given to us. You may yet be surprised at the role this basement has to play, for good or for ill."

PG Wodehouse:

"Ah yes, now where was I?" I said. My infernal bowtie!

"You were talking about the game, sir!" said Jeeves as he intervened to fix the tie. Dash it, what a chore it was to fix one's own tie!

"Was I? Oh yes I was! Quite clever of me, wasn't it?"

"Yes, sir. Very clever indeed, sir." The aforementioned tie was just about fixed, in the way that ties can be fixed if they so have a mind to be.

"What was I saying?"

"You were saying how the game was set up, sir."

"Oh, yes, I was. Very good. Good thing you reminded me." I smiled squarely at the mirror. What a tie!

"Yes, sir."

"So. Um... so how was it set up?"

Raymond Chandler:

How was the game set up? That was what the dame was asking me. I wanted to answer. But I could see that she wasn't asking about the Settlers game. There was a game being played, but it wasn't Settlers.

"Why should I tell you?" I played. My card hit the table face down, like my partner's body had hit the pavement. I knew by her straight flush that she hadn't been expecting me to keep my cards hidden. My ace in the hole. Some game, I thought. If I'm playing a game, I want to know what the stakes are. And if any of those stakes are aimed at my throat.

She wasn't talking. Well, she was talking, but she wasn't saying much.

She batted her baby blues and took an interest in her shoes. "Is that any way to talk to a lady?" she asked. Hell, no, I thought. But there were no ladies in here.

Ernest Hemingway:

I looked at the board. It was cardboard. Hexes. A good game. Full of lust and vinegar. My father used to play this game with me. We would go hunting. The smell of metal shot would hang in the air. A fresh blood kill, which meant fresh blood meat. I hated the blood, but the meat was juicy in my mouth even before we brought it home and my mother would sear it up. Then we would play as the searing smell of meat wafted in my nostrils.

The meat is gone, but the memory of the blood lingers on. I see it when I place the clay hex on the board with my straight unshaking fingers. The hard Spanish tequila sits near the board, drilling into my head as I remember the night when I last saw my Spanish hard-bodied girl, Maria Catanialla.

A.A. Milne:

"Here's how we play. We put the settlements on the board and then we get points. Did you get that, Pooh?"

"Pooh, are you listening to Rabbit?" asked Piglet.

"Yes, I was listening, but I didn't hear properly, because just as I was listening I got a rail from TransAmerica stuck in my ear. Could you just repeat that last part?"

"From where should I start?" asked Rabbit.

"From the part where I couldn't hear properly," said Pooh.

"And where was that?" asked Rabbit.

"From the time I got the rail stuck in my ear," said Pooh.

Rabbit threw his hands up in disgust. "Oh Pooh, you have very little brain." He huffed out of the room.

Robert Asprin:

"So you put the house on the board and it scores points," I said, not feeling too confident.

"It's a settlement, and yes, and it also gives you more resources," Aahz was smiling. When Aahz smiles, it doesn't make me feel any more confident. In fact, I felt like my confidence had just gone on a full-blown vacation.

"But you said it scores points," I said tentatively.

"Yes, that's right, kid. Now you got it."

"So how does it give you resources?"

"You roll the dice."

"You can roll the dice if you have a house?" I asked.

"No, you roll the dice, anyway." Aahz began to get that look.

"I don't understand." That was the wrong thing to say.

Aahz looked up at the sky and shook his head. "Of all the people in my game group ... " He looked at me. "Look kid, you gonna roll the dice or am I gonna bite your head off?"

Gleep!

Judy Blume

The boys were making fun of me because I didn't understand the game. It wasn't fair!

"Look at her! She put her house on the 11 - 3 - 2. What a loser!" Bobby laughed and laughed.

"Oh, shut up, Bobby!" I was nearly in tears. I stood up and ran out of the room, crying. I was so mortified! I wanted to die! Why did Mom and Dad have to send me to this game group? Why couldn't we stay in New Jersey?

And on top of that, my stomach was causing me pain. Maybe I was getting my period? What was that like? I wondered.

Elsa Holmelund Minarik

Little Bear put a wood down on the table. He put a brick down on the table.

"That's a wood," he said. "See? That's a wood. And that's a brick. That's a wood and a brick. I can play a road. I will play a road on the board. I will play a road right here."

Little Bear put a road down on the board next to his settlement.

"Very good, Little Bear. You played a road. That was very well done." said Cat.

Little Bear was very happy. He did a little dance.

Monty Python

Fetch me hither a development card, if you please.

I'm sorry, we're right out of development cards. Always get them later in the week.

Tush, tush, not my day, is it? Do you have any roads?

No sir.

Settlements?

Y........ no.

Cities?

No.

Ore?

No.

Brick?

Not today, sir.

I got it. How about wheat?

Not much call for it round here.

Not much call ...? It's the single most popular resource in the world!

Not round here, sir.

I see. So, what is the most popular resource 'round here'.

Wood, sir.

Wood, is it?

Yes, sir.

Wood, you say.

Staggeringly popular. It's our number one best seller.

I see. Wood. OK. .... Have you got any he asked expecting the answer no.

I'll have a look, sir. .... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn No.

Dylan Thomas

This wood I cut
This wheat I shocked
This heavy brick I built upon
In town at night
So deep and dark
I raged and cried out in the dawn
My father still
So pale and wan
This earthy game was done and gone
His head I held
While whispr'ing I
Sleep now, sleep, for we have won.

Yehuda