Friday, April 07, 2006

From the Book of I Teuber Chapters 12 & 13:

Chapter 12

1. In the Year of Torres The Lord appeared unto Derkes and Aaldie in the land of Dallas in the form of a barrel of Coffee. Upon seeing their fear He said unto them, "Be ye not afraid for I have chosen you," and Derkes and Aaldie were calmed.

2. And the Lord spaketh, "Go ye therefore into the lands of Geekdom and speaketh unto the Children of Hasbro saying, These are the games ye shall not play among all the games on the Earth,

3. Whatsoever game is based upon a movie, or cartoon shall ye not play, not ever, for these games are unclean pap.

4. Nevertheless a game may come along from time to time that has a movie or cartoon theme. If such a game could have some other theme such as farming in ancient Egypt, or Medieval warfare, it may be played, but not without much whining and trepidation.

5. Whatsoever game requires players to roll and move shall ye not play, for they are an abomination in My sight.

6. Whatsoever games that are collectible shall ye not play. As surely as a drunkard promises he will touch neither wine nor strong drink day after day, yet stops by Moe’s every morning for an “eye opener”, so too are collectors drawn to collectible games.

7. Whatsoever game is published by Parker Bros. shall ye not play.

8. Whatsoever game is published by Avalon Hill shall ye be skeptical of, whether that game be old or new. Lo, even though the game looks good and My Servant Vasel has naught but Praise, ye shall be skeptical. For Vasel lives in the Orient and he often eats too much kimshi causing his judgment to become clouded.

9. Whatsoever game is based upon a previous successful game shall ye also be skeptical of, unless that game is based upon Monopoly or Parcheesi. If a game shall be found to be based upon Monopoly or Parcheesi ye shall destroy it. Burn such games to ashes, drive the demons out, and flush them. Such games pollute and are unholy and I sayeth unto My Children that they should separate the clean from the unclean and destroy that which is unholy.

10. And when playing games ye shalt find an appropriate place to play. Neither on a bus nor on an elevator shalt ye play games, for only simpletons would do such.

11. Neither shalt ye play games in a pasture with the cattle, nor near the river with the alligators, nor in the trees with the squirrels.

12. Neither shall the television be on in the same room when playing games, for the television is an unholy distraction and unclean in My sight. Those who watch television whilst playing will oft ask, “Whose turn is it? Is it my turn? What did you do? Was a seven rolled?”

13. Tell My children that I will smite and strike down such players. Great shall be My Wrath, and they will feel the hand of God upon them and know that it is I, so sayeth the Lord your God.

14. Find a well lit, clean space to play boardgames, and if you love the Lord Your God turn off your cell phone.

15. Go Forth and give My message unto the Children of Hasbro that they might not walk in darkness again."

16. Derkes and Aaldie saw that their Lord was wise and gave His message unto the Children of Hasbro. And the Children of Hasbro threw off their chains and lived many prosperous years in the Land of the Geek.

Chapter 13

1. Many days passed and the Lord again spaketh unto Derkes and Aaldie, “Go ye unto the corners of the Earth and spread My Word and the Games of the Lord thy God. Spread My Word among the Children of Nintendo, and the Children of Trivia, and the Children of D&D, and lo, even unto the Children of Scrabble.

2. Bringeth with thee classic games from Mayfair and Rio Grande. Bringeth also with thee games from Fantasy Flight, Z-Man, and Days of Wonder. Bringeth with thee Tichu and Mu for those who have only known Cribbage and Poker.

3. Bringeth with thee children’s games. Bringeth HeroScape, Villa Palleti, and Gulo Gulo, for those who are numbered as children are captivated by the bright colors and simple play.

4. Bringeth with thee several Spiel des Jahres winners. Lo, after ye leave the lands of the Game Gentile they will need to be able to decide for themselves which games to play. Instruct them in the pros and cons of numerous game awards, and warn them about the abomination that is the Mensa Game Award. So sayeth your Lord.

5. Teach My games, but be ye not pushy. People who have never heard the names Kramer nor Tresham will deem you foolish. Do not let those who are ignorant of My Games deem thou to be both foolish and pushy, for My Will is not served if thou are shunned and looked down upon as a dweeb.

6. When teaching a new game to strangers Heed the words of My Prophet Reiner who said, “How does it feel doing these shows so unprepared?”

7. Reiner is wise. Heed Reiner. He whom heedeth Reiner not heedeth Me not. Reiner does not live in the Orient and only occasionally indulges in kimchi. His judgment is sound.

8. Be ye therefore familiar with the rules of the games ye are teaching.

9. Be ye familiar with the rulebook prior to teaching games, for questions will arise that thou canst not answer and thou shouldst be able to quickly and efficiently findeth the answers.

10. Teach the people to shun games sold in box stores, for the games in the box store are unholy and that which is Holy cannot abide with that which is unholy.

11. Teach the people to provide snacks when hosting a game and not unclean snacks such as bacon and greasy salted nuts nor healthy snacks such as celery and bran crackers.

12. Teach all the people of the Earth that he who brings Cheetos to a game event will be forever cast out of My sight for Cheetos are the fruit of the wicked and an abomination unto Me. Just as the fool who farts in an elevator and laughs is doomed, so too shall the Cheetos-bringer be doomed to play tic-tac-toe on a 2x2 grid for an eternity with Bobby Fischer.

13. Take My instructions and go forth unto all the People of the Earth teaching them that which is good and not teaching neither Crocodile Pool Party nor Dungeon Twister.

14. To show that you are the Messenger of the One True God, greet those you meet with “Hellooooo Ev’rabuddy” for this will show that you are obedient to My Word and are the true messenger sent by Me."

15. And Derkes and Aaldie again did as Their Lord had commanded. Their work was Blessed and the fruit of their labours continues to be seen unto this very day.


Yehuda Berlinger said...

And let us all say, Amen.

The congregation will now rise and turn to page 96.


Coldfoot said...

Very clever, Brian. I can foresee The Ten Commandments getting their turn next!

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's game, but go out and buy your own copy."

Anonymous said...

So Sayeth the Shepard...SO SAYETH THE FLOCK!

Anonymous said...

LOL, that was beautiful. That brings tears to my eyes.


Melissa said...

sometimes I hate having to blog after you, Brian ;)